where am i from again
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
