Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
