Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize