You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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