How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize