I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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