but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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