once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
