Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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