I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
