K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
