i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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