Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
