Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
