my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
