Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
