I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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