You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
