I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
