and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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