my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
