so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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