I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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