Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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