Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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