i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
