I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
