get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
