I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Everyone says I win the strip club
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
