It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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