I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
