the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
