I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Randomize