Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
