Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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