I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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