my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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