I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
