If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
