I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
