saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
