I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
