ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
