well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
