You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
