i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I need to stop coming to work sober
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Im part way to drunk.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
