You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
