We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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