Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Randomize
