I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
