1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
you inspire me to be a worse person
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Sorry my hands just texted you
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
