i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
