I bet he comes in French.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
