there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
