I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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